I have a plan (or gee, isn't it time to get your, uh... "life" together?)

Me?  With a plan?  Yes, me, with a plan.
I am at the end of my very fat rope.  I can't stay this way. 
Maybe I am grasping straws, but this feels like it's the last thing I can do.  I am going to do HCG.  It's a pregnancy hormone that, when used with a very low calorie diet (VLCD @500cals), helps to burn off the abnormal fat (See Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon's), instead of the healthy fat that the body needs, but will be burned off first when using low cal/exercise program.
My launch date is still in limbo, mainly because I am waiting for the $$$ and still have to order the HCG.  But, probably be the second week of February 2012.
I am gearing up mentally right now.  Thinking about all the places I am going to go to to do my two "load" days (load- eat as much fatty food that you can get down without throwing up, then eating some more!  A total bonus score for the calorically challenged!).  Then, I am planning 40 days (+/-) of VLCD.  There are only certain foods that can be eaten.  100g of meat (chicken, beef, veal, non oily fish, shrimp, lobster, crab) twice a day, and certain vegetables (leafy lettuces, spinach, chard, beet greens, cucumbers, tomato, onions) twice a day.  No sugar.  Very limited carbs (2 Melba toast or 2 grisini bread sticks).  At least 1/2 gal water (gallon is better) and all coffee and tea you can choke down (no sweetener).  For a allowed sweetener, I will be getting some Stevia in the Raw.
So, I will be doing the VLCD for 40-ish days, then 21 days in Phase 3, where you start adding more calories but no carbs or sugar, yes to healthy fats.  This is a time to "stabilize", stay within 2 pounds of my last drop weight (ldw).  And, then on to Phase 4 to maintain, for 21 days.  Then, it's back to the beginning to start the whole thing all over again!
I am hoping for a 40 lb drop in my first round and 30 ish lb drop in R2 and then a 30 lb drop in R3.  If I can get to 200 lbs, I will be a happy human.  It's going to take a better part of a year to do this, but I would like to see a Christmas where I am not a big fat cow of a woman.  That would be the best gift of all!
I am in this for the long haul.  Again, I can't go on and on being fat, using excuse after excuse to stay fat.  I want to live life.  Right now my life is nothing more than living to eat.  I use food for comfort, love, boredom, loneliness, and just because I can't think of anything better to do.  I have a life time of bad habits to change.  All on me, no excuses. 
I have really come to terms with my problem.  I am an addict, not food as a whole, but sugar and carbs.  Breads are my downfall.  Bread, doughnuts, cakes, cookies, tortillas, toast, French Toast, pancakes (which I don't really like unless they are drowning in butter, egg, and syrup).  I am actively bidding bye bye to these foods.  Soon, I will have Rob Wolf's book The Paleo Diet in my hot, little hands, and possibly the Primal Blueprint, and I will learn all I need to know about "caveman" eating, or, as I like to call it, just off the Ark eating.  It's taking a "hunter/gatherer" approach to eating.  Noah and his family didn't hop off the Ark and head over to the Qwik Mart for bread, milk and cheese!  There were plants and animals to eat, in the beginning.  No bread, at first, 'cause there probably wasn't any grain ready to harvest and grind.
Our society didn't start getting fat until after industrialization and then in the 50's, after WWII, to make a "woman's life easier".  TV dinners, processed milk, margarine, hot dogs, soy products (which were used as a casing for mortars during the war), Twinkies, boxed cereal, processed, processed, processed.  Which started making America fatter, and fatter, and fatter.  We have even forgotten that there was a time when people ate bacon, eggs, ham, butter, raw milk, avocado, lard, steak, chicken skins, bacon grease, and were HEALTHY.  Vegetarians were few and far between, but they ate eggs, cheese, milk and honey.  Now we have Vegans, who only eat grass, lettuce and all things processed.  They are sickly.  Only through the miracle of modern medicine do these people, and all us fat people stay alive.  Try to find a doctor that knows anything about nutrition.  Heck, try a find a nutritionist who knows anything beyond what the Pharmaceutical companies tell them.  More processed, fake foods, and more pills.  All this equals more profit. 
Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is no longer bliss, it can kill you, or at least leave you sick and stupid, and fodder for the medical community to experiment on.  Not a good place to be.
I will be posting my journey with HCG.  What I am doing, eating, and losing (or "releasing" as the hcg folks like to say).  This is going to be a fun ride!

How many times can you start over?

I guess the answer is:  As many as you need!
For some reason, I stay fat.  Do I want to be fat?  That is a loaded question.  I want what the skinny people have.  The clothes, the look, the ability to fit into booths and movie theater seats.  But, the problem is I want my food too.
Something has to give, right?  If I continue as I am, I will stay fat.  If I change, there is no guarantee that I will be thin, or even not as fat.
Exercise is a real problem for me too.  Not that I can't, I can.  But, finding the time to do it.  I don't like exercising in front of people, not even my husband or kids.  Even if I could, I can't do gyms (see reason one).  I keep trying to get up earlier.  But, manage to find a way to stay in bed.
Boy, I am just Excuses Ellie, aren't I.
I need a plan, and when I come up with one, I'll let you know!

Start

Here's what I know.  Weight doesn't just come off.  You actually have to eat right and exercise (BOO!!). 

I weighed myself this morning and I am at 305.8 lbs!  Crazy!

This is 20 time for me.  20 jumping jacks (OK, 15, but my 3 yo was banging and yelling at the door).  20 sit ups and 20 push ups.  I will stick with this until I get stronger.  I am thinking about doing this a couple times a day (maybe 3?).

Now, to diet (not an evil word, it means the food you eat).  I would like to start juicing.  I am going to start off with carrot and celery.  Reduce the amount of bread type food (bread, tortillas, chips, etc).  Throw in plenty of protein.

Changing thinking and attitude is the hardest.  But, this year, not only being prepared for any emergency also includes being fit.  You can't fight or be in flight if you can't move!

I am hoping to get down to 300 by this time next week.  That's 5.8 lbs.  A good start.

It's New Year's Day!

My house is a mess. Christmas tree is staring at me, even it wants to be put away! My kids are not behaving. You'd think that they would want to have more peace for 2011. You know, not get in trouble as much? Well, expecting 2 toddlers to make a New Year's Resolution is a bit too much! But what about me?


I don't like to make them, resolutions I mean. I have such a hard time keeping them.

There are changes on the horizon, however.  The other day I weighed in at 301 lbs (again!).  I had made it to 279, and was thrilled, but have shot that out of the water.  Being that it's out of the water (not even water under a bridge, to come out on the other side), I don't have to worry about what was anymore.

Now, it's time to look ahead.  Those wonderful fun things that I want to do.  I am not starting well, not with diet or exercise, but with my attitude.  I am irritated by my kids!!! 

I want to be left alone, not forever, but for right now.  The day started at 6 am with a crying baby, who had to go around waking up his older brother.  So now I have two babies, who want attention.  All I wanted to do was drink my coffee, watch Torchwood, then enjoy the parade. 

Looking logically at this, and in the frame of the Father's eyes, would be to give this time to the kids.  Torchwood is on Netflix, and will be on for a while, so I am not missing anything.  Coffee is poured and being drunk, so I am not missing anything.  I am here typing and not watching the parade, so I am not missing anything there, either.

Time to love the kids.

Here We Go Again

Besides being way to fat, I am way too lazy. 

It would be nice if I could just do what I need to do without having to do anything. 

But, I need to put in the work.  Stop eating like there is no tomorrow ('cause there is always tomorrow), and get off my fat butt and move (exercise).

So, here is to tomorrow.  It will be a new day, and a new me.

What I want to do:

After losing the weight, I want to go to San Diego.  I want to go on the Disney Cruise.  I want to jet ski.  I want to go shopping for new clothes.  I want to be able to run (not a marathon, but run, just for fun).  I want to go to Hawaii.  I want to be able to fit into an airplane (or movie theater) seat.

Here's what I have to do:

Stop eating so much!  Exercise.  Be mindful of HOW I eat.  Slow down, chewing thoroughly, and stopping when I am full (these things make most people go "duh", but I am having control issues).

I am going to be Scarlett O'Hara, and after all, tomorrow is another day.

Looking toward the Future

On a weight loss journey, you see good things and you see bad things.  Good things are like your waist and weight shrinking, bad things are a lousy attitude (Guilty), self pity (guilty again), and reworking emotions so that you don't kill your family (not yet....).  A dear friend at The Homeschool Lounge, was concerned about loose skin, which parlayed into self doubt.  Here is my reponse to her:

Loose skin is it's own monster. Remember, that your skin is the largest organ of our body, it does the most amazing things. The fact that it can stretch so far, gives rise to God's plan making us so fearfully and wonderfully. No matter how much weight we gain, our skin will stretch, the down side is that skin can get stretched out (like a sweater), leaving us thin, but sagging.







Some skin will tighten on it own, since I carry all my weight in my belly, as I lose weight, my leg skin stays tight, but my belly is a big ol' wrinkly mess! My arms, breasts, and probably my back will suffer from saggy skin. It may not be pretty, but think about it as a war wound, because we have been to battle, and if our skin is sagging, then we won!!!!






After we lose the weight, and keep it off for a year, then it's time to start thinking about what to do with it. I say wait a year, to make sure we are maintaining our weight loss. I worry about this because I am so heavy, if I back slide, I may find myself at 350 in a matter of weeks! It never fails, the more you lose, the faster you gain it back, with interest!






So, if you find you are maintaining your loss, then it time to consider your options. For the most part, the only option to get rid of excess skin is surgery. This is elective (it's considered cosmetic), and expensive. I have heard of people using depression as an excuse to try and get their insurance to cover the costs. Personally, I don't think Christ will go that route, so neither will I. So, my next option is girdles. With the Internet, and loads of people losing weight, but being unable to afford a "tummy tuck", so there are companies out there that make girdles just for the purpose of holding in extra skin.






Maybe, that year of weight maintenance is a time to save up for a "tummy tuck", then an arm tuck, back tuck, butt lift, or the whole enchilada, if you can save that much!






Don't feel bad about saggy skin, like I said before, that's a battle scar from a defeated enemy. Focus on what you will be able to do because your not fat anymore. Unless your goal is to sport a bikini, saggy skin isn't going to stop you from anything that you might want to do.






Emotions are just that, emotions. They have their place, but they can also be a hindrance to living sometimes! We need our emotions to love, to show compassion, what we don't need is to become slaves to our emotions. It's our emotions that keep us fat. It's our emotions that "allow" us to become crazy yelling women at our families. God created us with emotions so that we could love Him, love others, fear Him, and fear dangerous situations. We have anger to fight against injustice, to stand for what is right, without sinning. We cry to show that we are hurt physically, that we hurt for others (compassion), we feel sadness, so that we can be empathetic to others pains and hurts. When we internalize these emotions to use them for ourselves, we become focused only on ourselves, forgetting there are others out there who suffer far more than we do.






I am the queen of the "pity party". I struggle with just smiling, which I try to do the first thing every morning. Usually, when I am talking to God, I make it a point to smile for Him, which is also for me. Smiling actually makes you feel better.






Everything is a matter of perspective. When we look back, how many times do we realize that we could have switched our attitude around, with just a kind word, a kind action, a loving thought? I feel ashamed of myself for my lousy attitude, and, I believe, that shame comes from not trusting the Lord enough. If we have trust in the Lord, then these little set backs, and feelings of failure can be justified and released. I am so greedy, so many things that I should leave on the Cross, I will remove and keep for myself. I am still trying to learn that God will put these things at the bottom of the ocean and leave them there. As far as the east is from the west. Yet, I cling to the emotions that will make me feel like a martyr! Do I really need that? No, but I still can't stop doing it. It's a one thing at a time attitude. The first thing is to turn to the Lord, which should be so easy, but isn't, like you said before, Anna, when things are going well, it is easy to praise God. That's why I have been reading Paul's writings, here's a dude who had terrible things happen to him, yet, he praised the Lord, and the salvation he attained through Christ. I am hoping to glean understanding of how to live, love, and see the work of the cross, and then how to apply it to my life.






I too, have my progress to check, on Wednesday (I am so glad I use a calendar, or I would never know what's going on in my universe), so I am hoping to wake up tomorrow at 150! It could happen! OK, so it can't, but every small progress is a big progress in the making. We didn't gain weight overnight, we won't lose it overnight either. It's these small truths that lead to the big goals.






Anna, know always that you are loved, by your kids, by your family, by us, and best of all by God. You are a special lady, if you don't believe it for yourself, believe it because I said so! If you have to borrow my view of you, borrow it, tell yourself every morning that you are loved! Fake it if you have to, but do it! Don't let yourself get drawn into a funk pit, claw your way out, which is good advice, 'cause I am going to take it too! Time for us to get a shovel and fill in that pit, we can't fall into a hole that's not there, can we?






Smile, I am smiling too! See ---->






In love and total understanding, Rusty

After Two Weeks...

Another Tuesday, another weigh in. At the 2 week mark, I am down 13.7 lbs and a total of 18 inches! Truthfully, I was a little dismayed at seeing that I was only down .1 lb (that's one/tenth of a pound, not an accidental typo), I am remembering that my body knows how many calories to burn between pounds lost, so, probably tomorrow I will be down a pound. I should really stop weighing myself everyday, and go to once a week. How cool to get on the scale and see a 5 pound drop all at once! But, I figure every little bit is cause for celebration, even a tenth of a pound!




I was also hoping to be down another 8 lbs, like last week, but to make up for it, I am down 10 more inches! 2 inches, 2 pounds-tomato/tomado!



Here's to the Lord who made this wonderful machine that I call a body! Praise you, Abba Father!!!! And, I want to thank you ladies for all the encouragement and prayers that you sent my way!



Until next time, in faithfulness to the Great Creator!

Rusty