HCG has been amazing for me! 20 VLCD under my ever shrinking belt! Today I woke up to a 1.8 lb loss (bonus), I measured and am down 8.5"! Even though that isn't a "stellar" or "epic" number, I am happy as to where I lost those inches. 4" alone off my shoulders! That means less back fat! 3" off my waist (an area of concern, 'cause my last weight increase was there, scary thing health wise). I had an inch off my hips, but my hips are hard to measure, 'cause my HUGE belly is in the way. I can't ask even my beloved husband to help with measuring, 'cause I am too embarrassed. I would have to hold up my belly fat and have someone else measure my hips, no way. That's too much (and probably more TMI than anyone wants)!
I am also very happy about the things I have learned. Now I don't nibble while I cook, mainly because I can't right now. Nibbling while cooking is different than taste testing. Like when you grate cheese, and eat half of it, 'cause it's sitting there. Not good. A small spoon taste to make sure that your creation is seasoned properly is a must (except when you are on HCG).
Paleo cooking is very spicy, and it is hard not to taste test, but I have self control (at lease better than I did before!), and go by what my beloved husband says. Last night was Paleo spaghetti, made with spaghetti squash, and was a hit to Daddy, eh to the Puddin', okay to the Pookers, and started off good to the Peanut, but then he found that he didn't like the texture. So, it's in, and everyone will adjust.
Next week I am ordering some coconut flour, almond flour and few other things and will get the whole house switched to Paleo. I also talked to Daddy about joining a CSA, that's where you support your local farmer and buy their crops (a box a week), you don't get to choose, but you get a box of fruits and veggies, excellent! Considering that I spent about $40 on fruits/veggies the other day at the grocery, this isn't going to be an added expense. And with the Internet, I will not be at a loss on how to fix stuff.
I really wished I could have tasted the spaghetti last night, but it does give me something to look forward to in a couple of months!
Showing posts with label Beginnings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beginnings. Show all posts
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
It's Awesome!
You just gotta love the whole hcg diet thing! Since I started 3 DAYS AGO, I have lost 9.8 pounds, any side effects? Just waking up with a dull headache both days.
My legal council (the Voices inside my head) are reminding me that this is a temporary "whoosh", and won't keep up at this pace (bummer). But even a .5 or 1 lb loss would be most welcome.
During week 1, the losses are pretty big pound wise, during week 2 is when all this fat is going to start shifting around, and I will start seeing inches disappear. Week 3 is a mixture of both pounds and inches (hence the name of Dr. Simeons' research).
I am not sure about how long I will be doing hcg for the first round. Part of me wants to go a full 90 days, but my head is telling me to get off 50 lbs, go P3 for 3 weeks, and dive back in (maybe with 3 weeks of P4).
Here's what I want: I want to be healthy. I don't want to be morbidly obese anymore. I have 2 small children to raise. I have a wonderful husband that I want to grow old with. I want to do all the wonderful things that life has to offer.
I have to look at my fat as a cancer. If I had cancer, I would do anything and everything to fight it, right? Food is my cancer. The problem is that you can cut out cancer, you can't cut out food. A huge portion of using the hcg is not just to lose weight (bonus), but to change my relationship with food. Food is NOT my friend. Food is my enemy. I can no longer live to eat, but must instead eat only to live.
As I remain on the VLCD, my body is learning to get energy from fats, and not store away abnormally, but to use the excess for energy. Once I have exhausted the abnormal fat, then my body will continue to use what I eat to be used for energy, as long as I stay away from the excesses. Carbohydrates in grain/pseudo grain form just stores away in my already stretched abnormal fat cells, so grain/pseudo grain carbs are a thing of the past. Along with refined sugars, which have no food value of any sort. Even the energy that sugar supplies is short and too much of a spike, and totally not worth it. There are plenty of ways to get an energy boost. Fruit, nuts (not legumes), veggies and proteins.
I have been really lucky, since I had cut out soda years ago, so that's a monkey that I don't carry. Prior to starting hcg, I cut down/out most carbs in my diet. In fact, the Colonel was shocked when we went to a restaurant and I ordered steak with a side of ribs, and had a double portion of veggies instead of a starch, and passed on the bread/croutons.
My last loading meal was at Hometown Buffet, and I had a huge salad with tons of dressing, beets, eggs, bacon, and for my crunch I added sunflower seeds, no croutons. Then I went to the main courses and had a plateful of really fatty pork ribs and one, count it, one roll, which I savored and said my goodbyes to.
Breads/sugars are just nails in my coffin. Mortality is very real to me. I have clogged arteries and hypertension. Why? Because I have been killing myself with a fork, a slow and steady suicide. I will be 45 in 3 months, and I want to be out of the 300's and into the solid 200's (below 250 would be most excellent). Before the year is out, I will be in the 100's. 150 is supposed to be "ideal" but I will take 175 with relish and hold it there.
It's a whole life change. All my heart and soul are in this. I need this. I don't want to have a heart attack. I don't want to have a stroke. I don't want to be fat. This goes against everything I have ever done in my whole life. A complete 180 degree turn about. I must become a whole different person. One who thinks differently, one who acts differently, one who reacts differently. A total transformation.
My legal council (the Voices inside my head) are reminding me that this is a temporary "whoosh", and won't keep up at this pace (bummer). But even a .5 or 1 lb loss would be most welcome.
During week 1, the losses are pretty big pound wise, during week 2 is when all this fat is going to start shifting around, and I will start seeing inches disappear. Week 3 is a mixture of both pounds and inches (hence the name of Dr. Simeons' research).
I am not sure about how long I will be doing hcg for the first round. Part of me wants to go a full 90 days, but my head is telling me to get off 50 lbs, go P3 for 3 weeks, and dive back in (maybe with 3 weeks of P4).
Here's what I want: I want to be healthy. I don't want to be morbidly obese anymore. I have 2 small children to raise. I have a wonderful husband that I want to grow old with. I want to do all the wonderful things that life has to offer.
I have to look at my fat as a cancer. If I had cancer, I would do anything and everything to fight it, right? Food is my cancer. The problem is that you can cut out cancer, you can't cut out food. A huge portion of using the hcg is not just to lose weight (bonus), but to change my relationship with food. Food is NOT my friend. Food is my enemy. I can no longer live to eat, but must instead eat only to live.
As I remain on the VLCD, my body is learning to get energy from fats, and not store away abnormally, but to use the excess for energy. Once I have exhausted the abnormal fat, then my body will continue to use what I eat to be used for energy, as long as I stay away from the excesses. Carbohydrates in grain/pseudo grain form just stores away in my already stretched abnormal fat cells, so grain/pseudo grain carbs are a thing of the past. Along with refined sugars, which have no food value of any sort. Even the energy that sugar supplies is short and too much of a spike, and totally not worth it. There are plenty of ways to get an energy boost. Fruit, nuts (not legumes), veggies and proteins.
I have been really lucky, since I had cut out soda years ago, so that's a monkey that I don't carry. Prior to starting hcg, I cut down/out most carbs in my diet. In fact, the Colonel was shocked when we went to a restaurant and I ordered steak with a side of ribs, and had a double portion of veggies instead of a starch, and passed on the bread/croutons.
My last loading meal was at Hometown Buffet, and I had a huge salad with tons of dressing, beets, eggs, bacon, and for my crunch I added sunflower seeds, no croutons. Then I went to the main courses and had a plateful of really fatty pork ribs and one, count it, one roll, which I savored and said my goodbyes to.
Breads/sugars are just nails in my coffin. Mortality is very real to me. I have clogged arteries and hypertension. Why? Because I have been killing myself with a fork, a slow and steady suicide. I will be 45 in 3 months, and I want to be out of the 300's and into the solid 200's (below 250 would be most excellent). Before the year is out, I will be in the 100's. 150 is supposed to be "ideal" but I will take 175 with relish and hold it there.
It's a whole life change. All my heart and soul are in this. I need this. I don't want to have a heart attack. I don't want to have a stroke. I don't want to be fat. This goes against everything I have ever done in my whole life. A complete 180 degree turn about. I must become a whole different person. One who thinks differently, one who acts differently, one who reacts differently. A total transformation.
Friday, February 10, 2012
So It Begins
I received my hcg drops from Body Shaper on the 7th, and started "loading" on the 8th and 9th. Loading is when you eat and eat (going for high fat content), then, when you think you couldn't eat another bite, you eat some more.
There is a weird psychological thing going on, 'cause when you have Carte Blanc to scarf like a pig, you suddenly find that you aren't hungry. It's not only weird, but stupid too!
I said my goodbyes to many favorites. Not just for the duration of my diet, but also for life. I will be using this time to learn about Paleo eating (Caveman diet). Lots of fruits and veggies, lots of meat, no grains, little or no dairy. Cheese will probably stay in our diet, along with butter. Milk is really neither here or there with us. We can switch to coconut milk, and the kids will be just as happy. Except for those horrid flavor straws, the kids don't drink milk anyway.
So today beings my hcg VLCD (very low calorie diet) which should max out at about 500 cals. It's going to be hard, but looking at the big picture, I can't stay fat. I have put alot into this. $325 alone in hcg. Then extras (new scale, digital food scale, $300 in meat/veggies), then there is the mental preparation. I have lived for this time.
Is there a pay off? Sure, this morning, after eating and eating, I woke up to a 4 pound weight loss. Yes, four pounds. After eating everything that wasn't nailed down. In 2 days, I lost 4 pounds. The Medical community says a pound a week is "healthy". No, a pound a week is slow. A pound of weight loss from the Medical community is a pound of necessary fat, not abnormal fat. My 4 pound loss is abnormal fat. That's what hcg does, it attacks abnormal fat. We need the fat in our bodies. Fat protects our internal organs. There is a fat patch under your heels, otherwise, you would be walking on a bone (ouch!). Structural fat. Then there is your storage fat, that with people like me, can't be released with regular dieting. Wait, it can be released, but only after you have gotten rid of your structural fat, and started breaking down muscles. Because the storage fat is for the lean famine times (of which most of us in the US will never see), the human body will do everything it can to hang on to it, including eating it's own muscles to keep that storage fat as full as possible.
Because we (as a society) consume extraordinary amounts of grain based carbohydrates and refined sugars, the body cannot use the excess, and stores it away. When was the last time you couldn't go to the grocery and "hunt" down a wild loaf of bread?
After the flood, other than what was stored on the ark, there were no grains to be had. This was when man had to start eating animals (even possibly before that, Adam may have hunted, but this is for the Creationists to argue over). Other than being on the Ark, the animals were afraid of man. They weren't going to stand still. The hunt was on.
Anyway, long story short (too late), while I am learning to eat better, I will simultaneously start teaching the family to start eating better too.
So, here's what hcg is going to do for me. HCG is going to help me release the abnormal fat stored in my fat cells (we are born with X number of fat cells, and they fill up with stored fat), the hcg encourages the body to use this stored up fat for energy, rather than relying on carbohydrates to provide energy by eating. The fat cells will release the fat, and be replaced (in the beginning) with water, then the water will be released. I only have a rudimentary understanding on how the process works. But, it does work.
For those who think they should lose 5 or 10 lbs, it may not work. Just because you have a poochy tummy, doesn't mean you are storing extra (abnormal) fat. Fat storage is normal. Being obese, is NOT NORMAL. So, for those who are seeking that Kate Moss waif look, you must look elsewhere (try anorexia, or some sort of concentration camp). I would hope that most adults would realize that being supermodel, stick figure thin, is unhealthy, and not sexy. Any man who would want a woman like that is sick in the head. Any woman who would do that to herself to get a man, is suicidal.
I am lucky, my Colonel is a "chubby chaser", that's how I landed him. But, truthfully, he understands that all this extra weight is putting a strain on me. I have been diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure), and although it's not being treated with medicine, my arteries are starting to clog with high cholesterol. Too thin or too fat, both are suicide by fork (not enough fork, or too much fork). Both are also very slow and painful. Painful to live, and painful to watch.
Oh, in case you didn't know, the reason those "super models" are so thin, is because they are living human wire hangers, to show how the clothes drape. It is also the reason they have such a sour look on their faces (that mean look), so you won't look at their face, but at the clothes instead. Is this really something to strive for? Seriously, a human, sour faced hanger?
So, as the blog title says, this is the beginning. My diet day will look like this:
Wake up, pee, weigh.
Take hcg, holding for 5 mins under my tongue.
30 minutes after that, drink coffee, tea, and the ever present water.
Have lunch (100 g fish, chicken, lean beef and veggies, radishes, lettuce, Swiss chard, beet greens, tomato, onion, cucumber, asparagus. Maybe one piece of fruit, strawberries, handful, 1/2 grapefruit, apple or orange. One piece of Melba toast or grissini bread stick is also allowed, but I don't really want the carbs).
Wait 30 minutes, take hcg.
Wait another 30 minutes, continue with water (at least 2 litres a day), coffee, tea.
Dinner, repeat lunch with different meat and veg.
Wait 30 minutes, take hcg.
Wait another 30 minutes, drink more water.
Not exciting by any means, except when I wake up in the morning and found that I have lost another 1/2 a pound to a pound.
The first week is usually big losses (I lost 4 pounds in 2 day, AWESOME). The second week the body is recouping, so although weight loss slows down (and sometimes stalls), inches will start coming off. The third week everything evens out, for the most part, (mostly....).
There will be big loss days, small loss days, and no loss days. A huge part of losing weight is your mindset. I know that I am my worst enemy. I will beat myself up with food. Bad day, eat. Started having a good day, then the kids made me mad, eat. Someone looks at me wrong, eat. The sun came up, eat. Do you see the pattern? Yeah, me too. Except, because I am, in essence, trying to kill myself, I didn't care. My pal food will make me feel better, right? Here's the vicious cycle. Food seems to make me feel better, then I feel worse about all the eating, so I eat more to feel better. This isn't just me. This is all the fat (obese) people. We all have different reasons for turning to food in the first place, but the cycle is the same for all of us.
Remember all this, because Rusty is good, Rusty is wise. And getting thinner everyday!
There is a weird psychological thing going on, 'cause when you have Carte Blanc to scarf like a pig, you suddenly find that you aren't hungry. It's not only weird, but stupid too!
I said my goodbyes to many favorites. Not just for the duration of my diet, but also for life. I will be using this time to learn about Paleo eating (Caveman diet). Lots of fruits and veggies, lots of meat, no grains, little or no dairy. Cheese will probably stay in our diet, along with butter. Milk is really neither here or there with us. We can switch to coconut milk, and the kids will be just as happy. Except for those horrid flavor straws, the kids don't drink milk anyway.
So today beings my hcg VLCD (very low calorie diet) which should max out at about 500 cals. It's going to be hard, but looking at the big picture, I can't stay fat. I have put alot into this. $325 alone in hcg. Then extras (new scale, digital food scale, $300 in meat/veggies), then there is the mental preparation. I have lived for this time.
Is there a pay off? Sure, this morning, after eating and eating, I woke up to a 4 pound weight loss. Yes, four pounds. After eating everything that wasn't nailed down. In 2 days, I lost 4 pounds. The Medical community says a pound a week is "healthy". No, a pound a week is slow. A pound of weight loss from the Medical community is a pound of necessary fat, not abnormal fat. My 4 pound loss is abnormal fat. That's what hcg does, it attacks abnormal fat. We need the fat in our bodies. Fat protects our internal organs. There is a fat patch under your heels, otherwise, you would be walking on a bone (ouch!). Structural fat. Then there is your storage fat, that with people like me, can't be released with regular dieting. Wait, it can be released, but only after you have gotten rid of your structural fat, and started breaking down muscles. Because the storage fat is for the lean famine times (of which most of us in the US will never see), the human body will do everything it can to hang on to it, including eating it's own muscles to keep that storage fat as full as possible.
Because we (as a society) consume extraordinary amounts of grain based carbohydrates and refined sugars, the body cannot use the excess, and stores it away. When was the last time you couldn't go to the grocery and "hunt" down a wild loaf of bread?
After the flood, other than what was stored on the ark, there were no grains to be had. This was when man had to start eating animals (even possibly before that, Adam may have hunted, but this is for the Creationists to argue over). Other than being on the Ark, the animals were afraid of man. They weren't going to stand still. The hunt was on.
Anyway, long story short (too late), while I am learning to eat better, I will simultaneously start teaching the family to start eating better too.
So, here's what hcg is going to do for me. HCG is going to help me release the abnormal fat stored in my fat cells (we are born with X number of fat cells, and they fill up with stored fat), the hcg encourages the body to use this stored up fat for energy, rather than relying on carbohydrates to provide energy by eating. The fat cells will release the fat, and be replaced (in the beginning) with water, then the water will be released. I only have a rudimentary understanding on how the process works. But, it does work.
For those who think they should lose 5 or 10 lbs, it may not work. Just because you have a poochy tummy, doesn't mean you are storing extra (abnormal) fat. Fat storage is normal. Being obese, is NOT NORMAL. So, for those who are seeking that Kate Moss waif look, you must look elsewhere (try anorexia, or some sort of concentration camp). I would hope that most adults would realize that being supermodel, stick figure thin, is unhealthy, and not sexy. Any man who would want a woman like that is sick in the head. Any woman who would do that to herself to get a man, is suicidal.
I am lucky, my Colonel is a "chubby chaser", that's how I landed him. But, truthfully, he understands that all this extra weight is putting a strain on me. I have been diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure), and although it's not being treated with medicine, my arteries are starting to clog with high cholesterol. Too thin or too fat, both are suicide by fork (not enough fork, or too much fork). Both are also very slow and painful. Painful to live, and painful to watch.
Oh, in case you didn't know, the reason those "super models" are so thin, is because they are living human wire hangers, to show how the clothes drape. It is also the reason they have such a sour look on their faces (that mean look), so you won't look at their face, but at the clothes instead. Is this really something to strive for? Seriously, a human, sour faced hanger?
So, as the blog title says, this is the beginning. My diet day will look like this:
Wake up, pee, weigh.
Take hcg, holding for 5 mins under my tongue.
30 minutes after that, drink coffee, tea, and the ever present water.
Have lunch (100 g fish, chicken, lean beef and veggies, radishes, lettuce, Swiss chard, beet greens, tomato, onion, cucumber, asparagus. Maybe one piece of fruit, strawberries, handful, 1/2 grapefruit, apple or orange. One piece of Melba toast or grissini bread stick is also allowed, but I don't really want the carbs).
Wait 30 minutes, take hcg.
Wait another 30 minutes, continue with water (at least 2 litres a day), coffee, tea.
Dinner, repeat lunch with different meat and veg.
Wait 30 minutes, take hcg.
Wait another 30 minutes, drink more water.
Not exciting by any means, except when I wake up in the morning and found that I have lost another 1/2 a pound to a pound.
The first week is usually big losses (I lost 4 pounds in 2 day, AWESOME). The second week the body is recouping, so although weight loss slows down (and sometimes stalls), inches will start coming off. The third week everything evens out, for the most part, (mostly....).
There will be big loss days, small loss days, and no loss days. A huge part of losing weight is your mindset. I know that I am my worst enemy. I will beat myself up with food. Bad day, eat. Started having a good day, then the kids made me mad, eat. Someone looks at me wrong, eat. The sun came up, eat. Do you see the pattern? Yeah, me too. Except, because I am, in essence, trying to kill myself, I didn't care. My pal food will make me feel better, right? Here's the vicious cycle. Food seems to make me feel better, then I feel worse about all the eating, so I eat more to feel better. This isn't just me. This is all the fat (obese) people. We all have different reasons for turning to food in the first place, but the cycle is the same for all of us.
Remember all this, because Rusty is good, Rusty is wise. And getting thinner everyday!
Monday, January 16, 2012
I have a plan (or gee, isn't it time to get your, uh... "life" together?)
Me? With a plan? Yes, me, with a plan.
I am at the end of my very fat rope. I can't stay this way.
Maybe I am grasping straws, but this feels like it's the last thing I can do. I am going to do HCG. It's a pregnancy hormone that, when used with a very low calorie diet (VLCD @500cals), helps to burn off the abnormal fat (See Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon's), instead of the healthy fat that the body needs, but will be burned off first when using low cal/exercise program.
My launch date is still in limbo, mainly because I am waiting for the $$$ and still have to order the HCG. But, probably be the second week of February 2012.
I am gearing up mentally right now. Thinking about all the places I am going to go to to do my two "load" days (load- eat as much fatty food that you can get down without throwing up, then eating some more! A total bonus score for the calorically challenged!). Then, I am planning 40 days (+/-) of VLCD. There are only certain foods that can be eaten. 100g of meat (chicken, beef, veal, non oily fish, shrimp, lobster, crab) twice a day, and certain vegetables (leafy lettuces, spinach, chard, beet greens, cucumbers, tomato, onions) twice a day. No sugar. Very limited carbs (2 Melba toast or 2 grisini bread sticks). At least 1/2 gal water (gallon is better) and all coffee and tea you can choke down (no sweetener). For a allowed sweetener, I will be getting some Stevia in the Raw.
So, I will be doing the VLCD for 40-ish days, then 21 days in Phase 3, where you start adding more calories but no carbs or sugar, yes to healthy fats. This is a time to "stabilize", stay within 2 pounds of my last drop weight (ldw). And, then on to Phase 4 to maintain, for 21 days. Then, it's back to the beginning to start the whole thing all over again!
I am hoping for a 40 lb drop in my first round and 30 ish lb drop in R2 and then a 30 lb drop in R3. If I can get to 200 lbs, I will be a happy human. It's going to take a better part of a year to do this, but I would like to see a Christmas where I am not a big fat cow of a woman. That would be the best gift of all!
I am in this for the long haul. Again, I can't go on and on being fat, using excuse after excuse to stay fat. I want to live life. Right now my life is nothing more than living to eat. I use food for comfort, love, boredom, loneliness, and just because I can't think of anything better to do. I have a life time of bad habits to change. All on me, no excuses.
I have really come to terms with my problem. I am an addict, not food as a whole, but sugar and carbs. Breads are my downfall. Bread, doughnuts, cakes, cookies, tortillas, toast, French Toast, pancakes (which I don't really like unless they are drowning in butter, egg, and syrup). I am actively bidding bye bye to these foods. Soon, I will have Rob Wolf's book The Paleo Diet in my hot, little hands, and possibly the Primal Blueprint, and I will learn all I need to know about "caveman" eating, or, as I like to call it, just off the Ark eating. It's taking a "hunter/gatherer" approach to eating. Noah and his family didn't hop off the Ark and head over to the Qwik Mart for bread, milk and cheese! There were plants and animals to eat, in the beginning. No bread, at first, 'cause there probably wasn't any grain ready to harvest and grind.
Our society didn't start getting fat until after industrialization and then in the 50's, after WWII, to make a "woman's life easier". TV dinners, processed milk, margarine, hot dogs, soy products (which were used as a casing for mortars during the war), Twinkies, boxed cereal, processed, processed, processed. Which started making America fatter, and fatter, and fatter. We have even forgotten that there was a time when people ate bacon, eggs, ham, butter, raw milk, avocado, lard, steak, chicken skins, bacon grease, and were HEALTHY. Vegetarians were few and far between, but they ate eggs, cheese, milk and honey. Now we have Vegans, who only eat grass, lettuce and all things processed. They are sickly. Only through the miracle of modern medicine do these people, and all us fat people stay alive. Try to find a doctor that knows anything about nutrition. Heck, try a find a nutritionist who knows anything beyond what the Pharmaceutical companies tell them. More processed, fake foods, and more pills. All this equals more profit.
Knowledge is power. Ignorance is no longer bliss, it can kill you, or at least leave you sick and stupid, and fodder for the medical community to experiment on. Not a good place to be.
I will be posting my journey with HCG. What I am doing, eating, and losing (or "releasing" as the hcg folks like to say). This is going to be a fun ride!
I am at the end of my very fat rope. I can't stay this way.
Maybe I am grasping straws, but this feels like it's the last thing I can do. I am going to do HCG. It's a pregnancy hormone that, when used with a very low calorie diet (VLCD @500cals), helps to burn off the abnormal fat (See Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon's), instead of the healthy fat that the body needs, but will be burned off first when using low cal/exercise program.
My launch date is still in limbo, mainly because I am waiting for the $$$ and still have to order the HCG. But, probably be the second week of February 2012.
I am gearing up mentally right now. Thinking about all the places I am going to go to to do my two "load" days (load- eat as much fatty food that you can get down without throwing up, then eating some more! A total bonus score for the calorically challenged!). Then, I am planning 40 days (+/-) of VLCD. There are only certain foods that can be eaten. 100g of meat (chicken, beef, veal, non oily fish, shrimp, lobster, crab) twice a day, and certain vegetables (leafy lettuces, spinach, chard, beet greens, cucumbers, tomato, onions) twice a day. No sugar. Very limited carbs (2 Melba toast or 2 grisini bread sticks). At least 1/2 gal water (gallon is better) and all coffee and tea you can choke down (no sweetener). For a allowed sweetener, I will be getting some Stevia in the Raw.
So, I will be doing the VLCD for 40-ish days, then 21 days in Phase 3, where you start adding more calories but no carbs or sugar, yes to healthy fats. This is a time to "stabilize", stay within 2 pounds of my last drop weight (ldw). And, then on to Phase 4 to maintain, for 21 days. Then, it's back to the beginning to start the whole thing all over again!
I am hoping for a 40 lb drop in my first round and 30 ish lb drop in R2 and then a 30 lb drop in R3. If I can get to 200 lbs, I will be a happy human. It's going to take a better part of a year to do this, but I would like to see a Christmas where I am not a big fat cow of a woman. That would be the best gift of all!
I am in this for the long haul. Again, I can't go on and on being fat, using excuse after excuse to stay fat. I want to live life. Right now my life is nothing more than living to eat. I use food for comfort, love, boredom, loneliness, and just because I can't think of anything better to do. I have a life time of bad habits to change. All on me, no excuses.
I have really come to terms with my problem. I am an addict, not food as a whole, but sugar and carbs. Breads are my downfall. Bread, doughnuts, cakes, cookies, tortillas, toast, French Toast, pancakes (which I don't really like unless they are drowning in butter, egg, and syrup). I am actively bidding bye bye to these foods. Soon, I will have Rob Wolf's book The Paleo Diet in my hot, little hands, and possibly the Primal Blueprint, and I will learn all I need to know about "caveman" eating, or, as I like to call it, just off the Ark eating. It's taking a "hunter/gatherer" approach to eating. Noah and his family didn't hop off the Ark and head over to the Qwik Mart for bread, milk and cheese! There were plants and animals to eat, in the beginning. No bread, at first, 'cause there probably wasn't any grain ready to harvest and grind.
Our society didn't start getting fat until after industrialization and then in the 50's, after WWII, to make a "woman's life easier". TV dinners, processed milk, margarine, hot dogs, soy products (which were used as a casing for mortars during the war), Twinkies, boxed cereal, processed, processed, processed. Which started making America fatter, and fatter, and fatter. We have even forgotten that there was a time when people ate bacon, eggs, ham, butter, raw milk, avocado, lard, steak, chicken skins, bacon grease, and were HEALTHY. Vegetarians were few and far between, but they ate eggs, cheese, milk and honey. Now we have Vegans, who only eat grass, lettuce and all things processed. They are sickly. Only through the miracle of modern medicine do these people, and all us fat people stay alive. Try to find a doctor that knows anything about nutrition. Heck, try a find a nutritionist who knows anything beyond what the Pharmaceutical companies tell them. More processed, fake foods, and more pills. All this equals more profit.
Knowledge is power. Ignorance is no longer bliss, it can kill you, or at least leave you sick and stupid, and fodder for the medical community to experiment on. Not a good place to be.
I will be posting my journey with HCG. What I am doing, eating, and losing (or "releasing" as the hcg folks like to say). This is going to be a fun ride!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
How many times can you start over?
I guess the answer is: As many as you need!
For some reason, I stay fat. Do I want to be fat? That is a loaded question. I want what the skinny people have. The clothes, the look, the ability to fit into booths and movie theater seats. But, the problem is I want my food too.
Something has to give, right? If I continue as I am, I will stay fat. If I change, there is no guarantee that I will be thin, or even not as fat.
Exercise is a real problem for me too. Not that I can't, I can. But, finding the time to do it. I don't like exercising in front of people, not even my husband or kids. Even if I could, I can't do gyms (see reason one). I keep trying to get up earlier. But, manage to find a way to stay in bed.
Boy, I am just Excuses Ellie, aren't I.
I need a plan, and when I come up with one, I'll let you know!
For some reason, I stay fat. Do I want to be fat? That is a loaded question. I want what the skinny people have. The clothes, the look, the ability to fit into booths and movie theater seats. But, the problem is I want my food too.
Something has to give, right? If I continue as I am, I will stay fat. If I change, there is no guarantee that I will be thin, or even not as fat.
Exercise is a real problem for me too. Not that I can't, I can. But, finding the time to do it. I don't like exercising in front of people, not even my husband or kids. Even if I could, I can't do gyms (see reason one). I keep trying to get up earlier. But, manage to find a way to stay in bed.
Boy, I am just Excuses Ellie, aren't I.
I need a plan, and when I come up with one, I'll let you know!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
It's New Year's Day!
My house is a mess. Christmas tree is staring at me, even it wants to be put away! My kids are not behaving. You'd think that they would want to have more peace for 2011. You know, not get in trouble as much? Well, expecting 2 toddlers to make a New Year's Resolution is a bit too much! But what about me?
I don't like to make them, resolutions I mean. I have such a hard time keeping them.
There are changes on the horizon, however. The other day I weighed in at 301 lbs (again!). I had made it to 279, and was thrilled, but have shot that out of the water. Being that it's out of the water (not even water under a bridge, to come out on the other side), I don't have to worry about what was anymore.
Now, it's time to look ahead. Those wonderful fun things that I want to do. I am not starting well, not with diet or exercise, but with my attitude. I am irritated by my kids!!!
I want to be left alone, not forever, but for right now. The day started at 6 am with a crying baby, who had to go around waking up his older brother. So now I have two babies, who want attention. All I wanted to do was drink my coffee, watch Torchwood, then enjoy the parade.
Looking logically at this, and in the frame of the Father's eyes, would be to give this time to the kids. Torchwood is on Netflix, and will be on for a while, so I am not missing anything. Coffee is poured and being drunk, so I am not missing anything. I am here typing and not watching the parade, so I am not missing anything there, either.
Time to love the kids.
I don't like to make them, resolutions I mean. I have such a hard time keeping them.
There are changes on the horizon, however. The other day I weighed in at 301 lbs (again!). I had made it to 279, and was thrilled, but have shot that out of the water. Being that it's out of the water (not even water under a bridge, to come out on the other side), I don't have to worry about what was anymore.
Now, it's time to look ahead. Those wonderful fun things that I want to do. I am not starting well, not with diet or exercise, but with my attitude. I am irritated by my kids!!!
I want to be left alone, not forever, but for right now. The day started at 6 am with a crying baby, who had to go around waking up his older brother. So now I have two babies, who want attention. All I wanted to do was drink my coffee, watch Torchwood, then enjoy the parade.
Looking logically at this, and in the frame of the Father's eyes, would be to give this time to the kids. Torchwood is on Netflix, and will be on for a while, so I am not missing anything. Coffee is poured and being drunk, so I am not missing anything. I am here typing and not watching the parade, so I am not missing anything there, either.
Time to love the kids.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Here We Go Again
Besides being way to fat, I am way too lazy.
It would be nice if I could just do what I need to do without having to do anything.
But, I need to put in the work. Stop eating like there is no tomorrow ('cause there is always tomorrow), and get off my fat butt and move (exercise).
So, here is to tomorrow. It will be a new day, and a new me.
What I want to do:
After losing the weight, I want to go to San Diego. I want to go on the Disney Cruise. I want to jet ski. I want to go shopping for new clothes. I want to be able to run (not a marathon, but run, just for fun). I want to go to Hawaii. I want to be able to fit into an airplane (or movie theater) seat.
Here's what I have to do:
Stop eating so much! Exercise. Be mindful of HOW I eat. Slow down, chewing thoroughly, and stopping when I am full (these things make most people go "duh", but I am having control issues).
I am going to be Scarlett O'Hara, and after all, tomorrow is another day.
It would be nice if I could just do what I need to do without having to do anything.
But, I need to put in the work. Stop eating like there is no tomorrow ('cause there is always tomorrow), and get off my fat butt and move (exercise).
So, here is to tomorrow. It will be a new day, and a new me.
What I want to do:
After losing the weight, I want to go to San Diego. I want to go on the Disney Cruise. I want to jet ski. I want to go shopping for new clothes. I want to be able to run (not a marathon, but run, just for fun). I want to go to Hawaii. I want to be able to fit into an airplane (or movie theater) seat.
Here's what I have to do:
Stop eating so much! Exercise. Be mindful of HOW I eat. Slow down, chewing thoroughly, and stopping when I am full (these things make most people go "duh", but I am having control issues).
I am going to be Scarlett O'Hara, and after all, tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A Journey, A Journal
I need to change my opinions about food. At nearly 300 lbs, I can't go on like this. I want to live life. I want to love life. I want (and need) to draw closer to my Lord.
This is my journey. To adjust to life that revolves around the Lord. To adjust to life that revolves around LIVING. I also post on the Homeschool Lounge (http://www.thehomeschoollounge.com/), in the Getting Fit and Healthy group.
Last year, I had begun a journey, utilizing the Wii for exercise, but I was just compensating with exercise, not really putting in the effort to adjust my food intake. I have learned many lessons, and am learning many lessons.
Lesson #1:
Diets Don't Work
You'd think that this would be a "duh". But honestly, every "quick fix" program I see, I contemplate. Why? Why even think about it? Yes, if you just eat cabbage, you will lose weight. But how long can you eat cabbage? Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers is fine and dandy, you get real food, OK, that's good, and make sense, but who can afford $300 to $1,000 per month?! I budget for $200 for the family for the month, and actually go over, so, there's no way I could afford buying food specially for me at that amount.
Food intake has to be around the food that's available. Here comes the obvious, but common sense hard part. If you eat a whole pizza, or a half gallon of ice cream, you will not lose weight. Me, I love bread. I can have a lovely, sensible dinner, and on top of that, suck down 5 dinner rolls. 5! Plus, I eat so fast, that I eat 3 or 4 times the amount of food I need, before my brain can tell my stomach that I need to STOP! Common sense has to come into play when you are serious about losing weight. First, I have weighed 349 lbs (while pregnant), after my son was born, I almost immediately came down to 312lbs, and stuck. Last year, I managed to drop 25 more pounds, but then, again, I didn't change any eating patterns. I ate when I felt hungry. Not real hunger (rumble in the tummy), but when I felt emotionally hungry, which was all the time! Once I stopped exercising twice a day, the weight came back. So, from my personal best of 274, I climbed right back up to 298. All my work wasted. Why? Because I didn't use any common sense.
To keep my lovely self at 298, I have to consume 3,000 calories. Sometimes that isn't so hard. There have been times that I would eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese, which contains over 1,000 calories. And, when you are grazing thru the kitchen trying to find what you are craving, you eat and eat and eat, but never satisfy that craving. Why? If I think about it, I am trying to create a different "feeling". The emptiness I am trying to fill is in my heart. You can't eat a piece of cheesecake into your heart. How do you fill your heart? You turn to love, and love's name is Jesus Christ. He can fill your heart, better than anything. Turning to God shows that you understand that you CAN'T rely on your own understanding. If you could, why are you fat? This is question I ask of myself. People will tell you that being overweight is a willpower issue. It isn't. You have the will power to eat a meal that would choke a horse, but not to eat just what you need.
Lesson #2
You Can't Eat Your Feelings
I've tried. Good or bad. I celebrate and mourn with food. Excited about travelling, I want to stop at every restaurant on the road. If I am bored, and can't get the energy to do anything but sit in front of the idiot box, I want to eat. If I am happy about whatever, I want to eat. If I am sad, mad, lonely, fill in your favorite emotion here, I want to eat. Again, it comes back to trying to fill your heart. If all you have is food, that's what you turn to. Instead, leaning on God fills that emptiness. He wants us to turn to Him. Not when it's convenient, but at all times. Yes, He is the Creator of all things. But, He is also Abba Father (Daddy). He loves to hear from us in happy times, not just when we are praying to win the lottery. He wants us to talk to Him about the inconsequential things too! To laugh and cry with us. To hear us sing that silly song to our children, tell that bad joke that you can't remember the punch line to. He desires to be in every facet of our lives, including the kitchen. The more you turn to food, the less you can hear His voice.
Recap: I have set on this road 5 days ago, and blogged about it elsewhere, so here's what I have been doing:
I've just added this posting, and thought I would let everyone know what I am doing. Weight is dependent on 2 major things, diet and exercise. There are a gazillion "diets" out there. There are a gazillion "workout programs" too. Many of us have done them all! If they all are guaranteed, and they all work, how come we still have so much extra girth? They take our money, send their "product", and we apply ourselves for a day, a week, maybe even a month, but where are the long lasting results?
I have decided to stop being suckered by the "magic" of weight loss. No more "SlimFast", no more "Hydroxycut", no more "lose 90 pounds in 90 days". Here's what I do know. I live a life of convenience foods. I have to eat more than 3,000 calories to maintain this weight. With the convenience food, it's very easy to maintain that weight. I have started by eating more fruits and vegetables, not just from a can or freezer, but that is a place to start, but fresh foods. I have also been making most of our meals from scratch. My biggest culprit is portion control, always has been. Although one serving of mac-n-cheese is high in calories per serving, a whole box of it is crazy (more than a thousand calories!).
Here's more of what I know, these things are embarrassing to admit. But, there is a type of liberation in coming out of the food closet.
Here's what I am doing, I journal (at least when I remember!), I am spending more time with the Lord and reading His Word, I try to do some sort of exercise everyday, even if the best I can do is stretch out in the morning, and I cut my portions. Just cutting out 1,500 calories a day will have an effect of a pound or so down in a little less than 3 days. Remember, 3,500 calories equals one pound. So, if I am cutting out 1,500 cals a day (more or less), then in 3 days I will have lost one pound and have a reserve of calories reduced for the next pound.
My biggest problem: After 1 pm, I am a snacking machine. The kids are down for a nap, and I am alone, staring at the TV, and I go on auto pilot, wandering around the kitchen, searching for what I want. I have been trying to get a grip on this behaviour, I am not hungry, I listen to my tummy, and it's not rumbly (for all you Pooh fans out there). But, instead of taking my tummy at it's word, I eat anyway. This is a bridge that I need to cross to continue on my journey. Listening to my feelings has given me carte blanche to graze thru my kitchen, I really can't even call it grazing, 'cause I will actually pull out pots and pans and make something/anything that I "think" I am craving, and the mess! I have just finished cleaning the kitchen from lunch, and then I go and mess it up again!!!!
So, that is what is going on right now. I will be posting more to keep everyone up to date on the happenings, mainly 'cause it gives me accountability, and lets others know that they are not alone, not crazy, and not hopeless.
With faith and love in the Lord, Rusty
This morning I was reading in 1Cor. 8-9. Paul spoke of not causing others to stumble. I have been noodling that around in my head. How can I be a good witness for our Lord, if I am tripping around in my own sin. One of our dear ladies here wrote about the sin of gluttony. When I responded to her posting, I wrote that the true sin was placing food and eating above God. The first commandment warns us that we are to have only one God, and when you are putting stuffing your face first and foremost, you are not appreciating the blessings that God Himself has afforded you.
Being physically fit is a visual testimony to the Lord. One of my many faults (and finding more everyday) that I am working on is speaking to the Lord in everything. It's easy to speak to the Lord when you are in formal prayer time, but what about the times you are just going thru life. Driving down the road, or doing the dishes, or in the midst of homeschooling, or even trying to get your kids attention. How many times will, in frustration you mutter, "Oh, Lord", but just leave it there? Doesn't that come down to using the Lord's name in vain? Imagine if your children just walked around saying "oh, mom" and nothing else? If you are going to start the conversation, at least use a complete sentence!
Yesterday, I weighed myself again, and have dropped .4 lbs. I have a Weight Watchers digital scale, and am trying to get it figured out. I will also get weighed on the Wii, but it asks about weight of my clothes, and if I have an opportunity to weigh less, I will grab at it, so I always tell the Wii that I am wearing 4 lbs of clothes, so it subtracts 4 lbs off my weight. I usually wear sweatpants and tee shirt, in all honesty, I don't think that they weigh 4 lbs, even though they are HUGE! I really tried to focus on my pm snacking, to curb it. I didn't do as well as I should have, but did better then before. I snacked on oranges more (I am on a orange kick right now), I also had a Trail Mix snack bar (140 cals), which I do really like, 'cause it's got dark chocolate in it, which gives me my sweet treat, without having to dive into a half gallon of ice cream. I know that I can have ice cream as a snack, but not until I can get a grip on portion size. If I would just get one scoop (1/2 cup), which is one serving, it would only be 150 cals (+/- depending on the flavor, I love rocky road), unfortunately I want 4 scoops, or more, and since I am not in control of these impulses, I just keep the ice cream out!
As far as exercise goes, I put on a movie from Netflix, and did some stepping, while watching the movie. I also spent the afternoon outside with my littles (usually I send my teenager out to watch the babies while I do some housework and snack). Although my house will be a little messier, the payoff is so much bigger! Time out in the fresh air, time with my babies just to have fun, and surprisingly, a little exercise thrown in. We (ok, I) played with the soccer ball, bouncing it off my knee, and actually getting a couple of controlled kicks in! I also hit our little plastic baseball around with the plastic bat! The littles are too small for these things right now, but I am showing them that sports are important, especially for being physically fit!
So, I am trying to pick up new, and beneficial habits, and I am off to a good, if not, great start!
Faithfully, Rusty
Last night, I attended my daughter's graduation, just to make things fun (oy!) I wore my jeans, that just barely fit, and paid dearly, the crotch split! Trying to shove too much into a pair of pants is not a good idea (duh). Just like shoving too much food into your face! I thought about trying to hide this, not just from everyone here, but from my beloved too. I didn't, in all honesty, I couldn't. Life has it's trials, you can be a witness to it, stand up and tell the truth, or be found in contempt! Contempt is easy, I could have just been bummed out, ate tons of food, and followed an emotional vindication. Instead, I raised my hand and told the truth. What was the harm, I just lost a pair of size 26 jeans, when I want to be a size 12, so I haven't really lost anything, except a donation a few months from now, to get rid of all my supersized clothes!
Being overweight (ok, fat) is embarrassing, but it's nothing that can't be overcome. If you have had embarrassing moments, find the humor, take it in stride. Think of it as the rent you pay for the space you take up on the planet. The battle of the bulge is just that, a battle. If you just turn and run away, you won't learn anything, and you can't fight your enemy (ask the French). My enemy is excess fat. I won't run away, I won't lose my faith. God is bigger than anything life or the devil can throw at me. I am safe with Him!
In faithfulness and trust in the Lord, Rusty
OK, dilemma time. I am at a cross road of a sort. Today, my beloved and I were invited to a BBQ at his bosses home. A spur of the moment party for his graduated son. Our daughter also graduated, but I know she won't go because she doesn't like the son. Unfortunately, my beloved feels that he needs to schmooze in a social setting with his boss. They have a "bro-mance" thing going on. In a different situation, they would have been best friends. They are in similar places in their lives, have the same views on most things, etc.
My beloved wants to go, and I will support that. Unfortunately, this throws me into a quandary, because I don't really feel comfortable around these folks. The boss is ok, pushy, but ok. His wife (Lord guide me) doesn't like me and I don't like her. Nothing specific, I pray for her often, because I am very adversarial, and see people as an enemy or an ally. I am trying to be more loving to her, but I have a real hard time with that, because I don't like the way she looks at (and sometimes, down on) me. I know that I have to be the better person, to show the love of Jesus. From the scuttlebutt at the job, she can really use it, so like I said, I do pray for her and her family.
The problem comes in is the stress these little functions put on me, or, I should say, allow myself to feel. I go to these little parties, because my beloved wants to go. He says 'cause it's a work thing, but, he just wants to go and hang with his "friend", and that's important. In fact, before and after we got married, I told him to go out with friends. I trust him. He needs time to be with men, all men do. I feel it's important to have time to be away from the family, and just knowing his family is always here and waiting for "Daddy" to come home, makes it a joy to get a break, and a joy to return!
I don't want to throw my work away. I want to dive into the kitchen and devour everything in sight! Like all battles I face (even if they are my own creation), I will meet this "challenge" head on.
I do like my beloved bosses dad though. He, right off the bat hates me. Why? Because he hates all fat people! He makes really insulting comments. He makes no bones about how he feels. I love it, because at least he is honest. He won't smile in my face, and be pleasant. He looks at me with contempt. Honest. Where I get so amused about it, is that I always make it a point to talk to him. Find out how he's doing. Ask and be interested in him, almost forcing him to relate stories of the "old days" to a new an interested audience. So, I find it funny that he hates me because of what I look like, but he really enjoys talking to me!
I would do the same with the wife, but she just won't bite. I will keep trying though. It's hard, because of the fact all this revolves around the job. She also works at the company. I am put at odds, because her husband (my beloved's boss), will constantly make comments about how great I am for my beloved. He will talk about how I prepare dinner for my beloved, no matter how late. I make homemade bread, I can, I have a garden, I stay home with the kids, I don't go out and spend crazy amounts of money. On and on. Which, looking at what I just wrote, I wouldn't like me either! I always tell my beloved that any idea that comes out of this house is HIS idea. That way, it reflects well on my beloved.
This must be it. Having your husband praise another man's wife, in your face, must be horrid! Thank you ladies for letting me "talk" this out. Praise God, for allowing me to have some insight into the heart of another. I may be wrong, but if I am right, I have another starting point to be loving and Christ-like to another.
So, now it's time to put on my armor, the full armor of God. To face my day in love and admiration of the Lord and His wonderful grace. Pray for me ladies! I will let you know, in all honesty, how everything went. I will (Lord, please) be victorious in this battle and not succumb to my "feelings", but stand firm on the Word, to be a Christ-like as I possibly can!
In Love and Faithfulness, Rusty
Yesterdays little soiree went well. After speaking to my beloved (who just doesn't want to talk "feelings"), I think he really understood my position, and was comfortable with how I was going to behave at the gathering. I mainly hung out with a co-worker of my beloveds (I stuck the the saying: "if you can't say something nice, come sit next to me!"). Although the bosses dad shot a couple of insults across my bow, he just couldn't get anything stronger than a pleasant smile! The bosses wife was very busy hosting, so she was a gracious hostess, and I stayed out of her radar, other than saying "hi" and then thanking her for a lovely time. God is great.
Now, instead of these emotional issues, lets get to the food issues. When the chips, salsa, sour cream, and guacamole were passed around, I took a pass (yea!), but had 2 beers (boo, but light), and had my beloved (my skinny beloved) set up my plate (hamburger, corn on the cob, and potato salad), and I fed the baby off my plate. I also had a special treat, a white chocolate covered strawberry!
After the party, on the way home, since the stress was all gone, I started feeling like that I should make something when I got home. But, checking in with my tummy, turns out that I just wanted to eat, and, of course, I wasn't hungry. In fact, I am not hungry now, at 7:30 am. I am glad I didn't give into the "feeling", and instead thanked the Lord for a lovely evening, and the wherewithal to check in with myself logically, instead of relying on habit to celebrate relief.
We always talk about eating when we feel bored, or lonely, or sad, or stressed. We also eat when we are happy and joyful. Why? Are we trying to share the joy with the food? Our food is an inanimate object, it doesn't feel, it doesn't care. Coming to these realizations really helps in changing food habits. Although we have the illusion that food makes us feel better, it's only that, an illusion. That warm and fuzzy feeling we get for a short time, is that we filled our heart with cheesecake, but wait, our heart didn't get the cheesecake, our stomach did, and our hips, our butt, and those flappy wings under our arms. To fill our hearts, we have to turn to the only One who can fill our hearts, Jesus Christ.
Navigating this road is not easy. I could throw away all that I have learned and all that I am learning in one moment, on one feeling. I am very mindful of that. I was doing so well last year, and just threw it away. I don't want to do that again. Please pray that I stay the course.
In love and faithfulness, Rusty
So, there it is, my journey to the place I am now. I have a very long road ahead of me, as you can tell by the picture (yikes!). Taking back myself from the food and giving myself to God is hard. But, in the end, it will be a win-win situation.
I also have some treats along my journey. At 10 lbs, I get to dye my hair (which needs it!), at 25 lbs (and every 25 lbs thereafter) I get a Dutch Bros. coffee (I love Cocomos). On and on. The best part is once I get to my goal of losing 150 lbs (half my weight!), I get a trip to Hawaii! Now, I am not big on legalistic, and if I get down to 160, I am running with it. Mind you, I am 5'9" tall, I may look like a string bean at 175 (it could happen!), I don't want to be a stick figure, I want to be healthy. I want to live life! I want to do things that everyone else does with out worrying about getting stuck in something, sinking a canoe, breaking an amusement park ride, and just fitting into some nice clothes without being ashamed or spliting the crotch of my pants! Life should be lived and loved, not eaten!
This is my journey. To adjust to life that revolves around the Lord. To adjust to life that revolves around LIVING. I also post on the Homeschool Lounge (http://www.thehomeschoollounge.com/), in the Getting Fit and Healthy group.
Last year, I had begun a journey, utilizing the Wii for exercise, but I was just compensating with exercise, not really putting in the effort to adjust my food intake. I have learned many lessons, and am learning many lessons.
Lesson #1:
Diets Don't Work
You'd think that this would be a "duh". But honestly, every "quick fix" program I see, I contemplate. Why? Why even think about it? Yes, if you just eat cabbage, you will lose weight. But how long can you eat cabbage? Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers is fine and dandy, you get real food, OK, that's good, and make sense, but who can afford $300 to $1,000 per month?! I budget for $200 for the family for the month, and actually go over, so, there's no way I could afford buying food specially for me at that amount.
Food intake has to be around the food that's available. Here comes the obvious, but common sense hard part. If you eat a whole pizza, or a half gallon of ice cream, you will not lose weight. Me, I love bread. I can have a lovely, sensible dinner, and on top of that, suck down 5 dinner rolls. 5! Plus, I eat so fast, that I eat 3 or 4 times the amount of food I need, before my brain can tell my stomach that I need to STOP! Common sense has to come into play when you are serious about losing weight. First, I have weighed 349 lbs (while pregnant), after my son was born, I almost immediately came down to 312lbs, and stuck. Last year, I managed to drop 25 more pounds, but then, again, I didn't change any eating patterns. I ate when I felt hungry. Not real hunger (rumble in the tummy), but when I felt emotionally hungry, which was all the time! Once I stopped exercising twice a day, the weight came back. So, from my personal best of 274, I climbed right back up to 298. All my work wasted. Why? Because I didn't use any common sense.
To keep my lovely self at 298, I have to consume 3,000 calories. Sometimes that isn't so hard. There have been times that I would eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese, which contains over 1,000 calories. And, when you are grazing thru the kitchen trying to find what you are craving, you eat and eat and eat, but never satisfy that craving. Why? If I think about it, I am trying to create a different "feeling". The emptiness I am trying to fill is in my heart. You can't eat a piece of cheesecake into your heart. How do you fill your heart? You turn to love, and love's name is Jesus Christ. He can fill your heart, better than anything. Turning to God shows that you understand that you CAN'T rely on your own understanding. If you could, why are you fat? This is question I ask of myself. People will tell you that being overweight is a willpower issue. It isn't. You have the will power to eat a meal that would choke a horse, but not to eat just what you need.
Lesson #2
You Can't Eat Your Feelings
I've tried. Good or bad. I celebrate and mourn with food. Excited about travelling, I want to stop at every restaurant on the road. If I am bored, and can't get the energy to do anything but sit in front of the idiot box, I want to eat. If I am happy about whatever, I want to eat. If I am sad, mad, lonely, fill in your favorite emotion here, I want to eat. Again, it comes back to trying to fill your heart. If all you have is food, that's what you turn to. Instead, leaning on God fills that emptiness. He wants us to turn to Him. Not when it's convenient, but at all times. Yes, He is the Creator of all things. But, He is also Abba Father (Daddy). He loves to hear from us in happy times, not just when we are praying to win the lottery. He wants us to talk to Him about the inconsequential things too! To laugh and cry with us. To hear us sing that silly song to our children, tell that bad joke that you can't remember the punch line to. He desires to be in every facet of our lives, including the kitchen. The more you turn to food, the less you can hear His voice.
Recap: I have set on this road 5 days ago, and blogged about it elsewhere, so here's what I have been doing:
I've just added this posting, and thought I would let everyone know what I am doing. Weight is dependent on 2 major things, diet and exercise. There are a gazillion "diets" out there. There are a gazillion "workout programs" too. Many of us have done them all! If they all are guaranteed, and they all work, how come we still have so much extra girth? They take our money, send their "product", and we apply ourselves for a day, a week, maybe even a month, but where are the long lasting results?
I have decided to stop being suckered by the "magic" of weight loss. No more "SlimFast", no more "Hydroxycut", no more "lose 90 pounds in 90 days". Here's what I do know. I live a life of convenience foods. I have to eat more than 3,000 calories to maintain this weight. With the convenience food, it's very easy to maintain that weight. I have started by eating more fruits and vegetables, not just from a can or freezer, but that is a place to start, but fresh foods. I have also been making most of our meals from scratch. My biggest culprit is portion control, always has been. Although one serving of mac-n-cheese is high in calories per serving, a whole box of it is crazy (more than a thousand calories!).
Here's more of what I know, these things are embarrassing to admit. But, there is a type of liberation in coming out of the food closet.
Here's what I am doing, I journal (at least when I remember!), I am spending more time with the Lord and reading His Word, I try to do some sort of exercise everyday, even if the best I can do is stretch out in the morning, and I cut my portions. Just cutting out 1,500 calories a day will have an effect of a pound or so down in a little less than 3 days. Remember, 3,500 calories equals one pound. So, if I am cutting out 1,500 cals a day (more or less), then in 3 days I will have lost one pound and have a reserve of calories reduced for the next pound.
My biggest problem: After 1 pm, I am a snacking machine. The kids are down for a nap, and I am alone, staring at the TV, and I go on auto pilot, wandering around the kitchen, searching for what I want. I have been trying to get a grip on this behaviour, I am not hungry, I listen to my tummy, and it's not rumbly (for all you Pooh fans out there). But, instead of taking my tummy at it's word, I eat anyway. This is a bridge that I need to cross to continue on my journey. Listening to my feelings has given me carte blanche to graze thru my kitchen, I really can't even call it grazing, 'cause I will actually pull out pots and pans and make something/anything that I "think" I am craving, and the mess! I have just finished cleaning the kitchen from lunch, and then I go and mess it up again!!!!
So, that is what is going on right now. I will be posting more to keep everyone up to date on the happenings, mainly 'cause it gives me accountability, and lets others know that they are not alone, not crazy, and not hopeless.
With faith and love in the Lord, Rusty
This morning I was reading in 1Cor. 8-9. Paul spoke of not causing others to stumble. I have been noodling that around in my head. How can I be a good witness for our Lord, if I am tripping around in my own sin. One of our dear ladies here wrote about the sin of gluttony. When I responded to her posting, I wrote that the true sin was placing food and eating above God. The first commandment warns us that we are to have only one God, and when you are putting stuffing your face first and foremost, you are not appreciating the blessings that God Himself has afforded you.
Being physically fit is a visual testimony to the Lord. One of my many faults (and finding more everyday) that I am working on is speaking to the Lord in everything. It's easy to speak to the Lord when you are in formal prayer time, but what about the times you are just going thru life. Driving down the road, or doing the dishes, or in the midst of homeschooling, or even trying to get your kids attention. How many times will, in frustration you mutter, "Oh, Lord", but just leave it there? Doesn't that come down to using the Lord's name in vain? Imagine if your children just walked around saying "oh, mom" and nothing else? If you are going to start the conversation, at least use a complete sentence!
Yesterday, I weighed myself again, and have dropped .4 lbs. I have a Weight Watchers digital scale, and am trying to get it figured out. I will also get weighed on the Wii, but it asks about weight of my clothes, and if I have an opportunity to weigh less, I will grab at it, so I always tell the Wii that I am wearing 4 lbs of clothes, so it subtracts 4 lbs off my weight. I usually wear sweatpants and tee shirt, in all honesty, I don't think that they weigh 4 lbs, even though they are HUGE! I really tried to focus on my pm snacking, to curb it. I didn't do as well as I should have, but did better then before. I snacked on oranges more (I am on a orange kick right now), I also had a Trail Mix snack bar (140 cals), which I do really like, 'cause it's got dark chocolate in it, which gives me my sweet treat, without having to dive into a half gallon of ice cream. I know that I can have ice cream as a snack, but not until I can get a grip on portion size. If I would just get one scoop (1/2 cup), which is one serving, it would only be 150 cals (+/- depending on the flavor, I love rocky road), unfortunately I want 4 scoops, or more, and since I am not in control of these impulses, I just keep the ice cream out!
As far as exercise goes, I put on a movie from Netflix, and did some stepping, while watching the movie. I also spent the afternoon outside with my littles (usually I send my teenager out to watch the babies while I do some housework and snack). Although my house will be a little messier, the payoff is so much bigger! Time out in the fresh air, time with my babies just to have fun, and surprisingly, a little exercise thrown in. We (ok, I) played with the soccer ball, bouncing it off my knee, and actually getting a couple of controlled kicks in! I also hit our little plastic baseball around with the plastic bat! The littles are too small for these things right now, but I am showing them that sports are important, especially for being physically fit!
So, I am trying to pick up new, and beneficial habits, and I am off to a good, if not, great start!
Faithfully, Rusty
Last night, I attended my daughter's graduation, just to make things fun (oy!) I wore my jeans, that just barely fit, and paid dearly, the crotch split! Trying to shove too much into a pair of pants is not a good idea (duh). Just like shoving too much food into your face! I thought about trying to hide this, not just from everyone here, but from my beloved too. I didn't, in all honesty, I couldn't. Life has it's trials, you can be a witness to it, stand up and tell the truth, or be found in contempt! Contempt is easy, I could have just been bummed out, ate tons of food, and followed an emotional vindication. Instead, I raised my hand and told the truth. What was the harm, I just lost a pair of size 26 jeans, when I want to be a size 12, so I haven't really lost anything, except a donation a few months from now, to get rid of all my supersized clothes!
Being overweight (ok, fat) is embarrassing, but it's nothing that can't be overcome. If you have had embarrassing moments, find the humor, take it in stride. Think of it as the rent you pay for the space you take up on the planet. The battle of the bulge is just that, a battle. If you just turn and run away, you won't learn anything, and you can't fight your enemy (ask the French). My enemy is excess fat. I won't run away, I won't lose my faith. God is bigger than anything life or the devil can throw at me. I am safe with Him!
In faithfulness and trust in the Lord, Rusty
OK, dilemma time. I am at a cross road of a sort. Today, my beloved and I were invited to a BBQ at his bosses home. A spur of the moment party for his graduated son. Our daughter also graduated, but I know she won't go because she doesn't like the son. Unfortunately, my beloved feels that he needs to schmooze in a social setting with his boss. They have a "bro-mance" thing going on. In a different situation, they would have been best friends. They are in similar places in their lives, have the same views on most things, etc.
My beloved wants to go, and I will support that. Unfortunately, this throws me into a quandary, because I don't really feel comfortable around these folks. The boss is ok, pushy, but ok. His wife (Lord guide me) doesn't like me and I don't like her. Nothing specific, I pray for her often, because I am very adversarial, and see people as an enemy or an ally. I am trying to be more loving to her, but I have a real hard time with that, because I don't like the way she looks at (and sometimes, down on) me. I know that I have to be the better person, to show the love of Jesus. From the scuttlebutt at the job, she can really use it, so like I said, I do pray for her and her family.
The problem comes in is the stress these little functions put on me, or, I should say, allow myself to feel. I go to these little parties, because my beloved wants to go. He says 'cause it's a work thing, but, he just wants to go and hang with his "friend", and that's important. In fact, before and after we got married, I told him to go out with friends. I trust him. He needs time to be with men, all men do. I feel it's important to have time to be away from the family, and just knowing his family is always here and waiting for "Daddy" to come home, makes it a joy to get a break, and a joy to return!
I don't want to throw my work away. I want to dive into the kitchen and devour everything in sight! Like all battles I face (even if they are my own creation), I will meet this "challenge" head on.
I do like my beloved bosses dad though. He, right off the bat hates me. Why? Because he hates all fat people! He makes really insulting comments. He makes no bones about how he feels. I love it, because at least he is honest. He won't smile in my face, and be pleasant. He looks at me with contempt. Honest. Where I get so amused about it, is that I always make it a point to talk to him. Find out how he's doing. Ask and be interested in him, almost forcing him to relate stories of the "old days" to a new an interested audience. So, I find it funny that he hates me because of what I look like, but he really enjoys talking to me!
I would do the same with the wife, but she just won't bite. I will keep trying though. It's hard, because of the fact all this revolves around the job. She also works at the company. I am put at odds, because her husband (my beloved's boss), will constantly make comments about how great I am for my beloved. He will talk about how I prepare dinner for my beloved, no matter how late. I make homemade bread, I can, I have a garden, I stay home with the kids, I don't go out and spend crazy amounts of money. On and on. Which, looking at what I just wrote, I wouldn't like me either! I always tell my beloved that any idea that comes out of this house is HIS idea. That way, it reflects well on my beloved.
This must be it. Having your husband praise another man's wife, in your face, must be horrid! Thank you ladies for letting me "talk" this out. Praise God, for allowing me to have some insight into the heart of another. I may be wrong, but if I am right, I have another starting point to be loving and Christ-like to another.
So, now it's time to put on my armor, the full armor of God. To face my day in love and admiration of the Lord and His wonderful grace. Pray for me ladies! I will let you know, in all honesty, how everything went. I will (Lord, please) be victorious in this battle and not succumb to my "feelings", but stand firm on the Word, to be a Christ-like as I possibly can!
In Love and Faithfulness, Rusty
Yesterdays little soiree went well. After speaking to my beloved (who just doesn't want to talk "feelings"), I think he really understood my position, and was comfortable with how I was going to behave at the gathering. I mainly hung out with a co-worker of my beloveds (I stuck the the saying: "if you can't say something nice, come sit next to me!"). Although the bosses dad shot a couple of insults across my bow, he just couldn't get anything stronger than a pleasant smile! The bosses wife was very busy hosting, so she was a gracious hostess, and I stayed out of her radar, other than saying "hi" and then thanking her for a lovely time. God is great.
Now, instead of these emotional issues, lets get to the food issues. When the chips, salsa, sour cream, and guacamole were passed around, I took a pass (yea!), but had 2 beers (boo, but light), and had my beloved (my skinny beloved) set up my plate (hamburger, corn on the cob, and potato salad), and I fed the baby off my plate. I also had a special treat, a white chocolate covered strawberry!
After the party, on the way home, since the stress was all gone, I started feeling like that I should make something when I got home. But, checking in with my tummy, turns out that I just wanted to eat, and, of course, I wasn't hungry. In fact, I am not hungry now, at 7:30 am. I am glad I didn't give into the "feeling", and instead thanked the Lord for a lovely evening, and the wherewithal to check in with myself logically, instead of relying on habit to celebrate relief.
We always talk about eating when we feel bored, or lonely, or sad, or stressed. We also eat when we are happy and joyful. Why? Are we trying to share the joy with the food? Our food is an inanimate object, it doesn't feel, it doesn't care. Coming to these realizations really helps in changing food habits. Although we have the illusion that food makes us feel better, it's only that, an illusion. That warm and fuzzy feeling we get for a short time, is that we filled our heart with cheesecake, but wait, our heart didn't get the cheesecake, our stomach did, and our hips, our butt, and those flappy wings under our arms. To fill our hearts, we have to turn to the only One who can fill our hearts, Jesus Christ.
Navigating this road is not easy. I could throw away all that I have learned and all that I am learning in one moment, on one feeling. I am very mindful of that. I was doing so well last year, and just threw it away. I don't want to do that again. Please pray that I stay the course.
In love and faithfulness, Rusty
So, there it is, my journey to the place I am now. I have a very long road ahead of me, as you can tell by the picture (yikes!). Taking back myself from the food and giving myself to God is hard. But, in the end, it will be a win-win situation.
I also have some treats along my journey. At 10 lbs, I get to dye my hair (which needs it!), at 25 lbs (and every 25 lbs thereafter) I get a Dutch Bros. coffee (I love Cocomos). On and on. The best part is once I get to my goal of losing 150 lbs (half my weight!), I get a trip to Hawaii! Now, I am not big on legalistic, and if I get down to 160, I am running with it. Mind you, I am 5'9" tall, I may look like a string bean at 175 (it could happen!), I don't want to be a stick figure, I want to be healthy. I want to live life! I want to do things that everyone else does with out worrying about getting stuck in something, sinking a canoe, breaking an amusement park ride, and just fitting into some nice clothes without being ashamed or spliting the crotch of my pants! Life should be lived and loved, not eaten!
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